Case #3: Detective Duncan & The Case of The Improbable Task or The D.V. Detective Delves into Wall-E
The name’s Duncan. You know, the D. V. Detective. I just bought something I accused others of having just so they could look important, which helps elevates one’s status, which helps elevates one’s chances of getting dates. So far, the only thing this cell phone has gotten me is annoyed. What the hell am I supposed to do with rollover minutes? And I have to spend extra hours to practice texting so that my thumbs can reach the hard to reach buttons, and what’s up with that lingo? It has gotten to the point where I’m sporting the same confusion most of my clients suffers each time I open my mouth. One client immediately comes to mind. I called this: The Case of the Improbable Task.
I could tell the way Kate McConnell’s eyes grabbed on to mine that I was her last hope. As a small hint of her exotic smelling perfume wandered into my nostrils, she made her case. She needed a movie to get her kid. Not just any kid, her daughter was the kind of ten-year-old prodigy who’s either on her way to revolutionize an industry sector or waste away in a rubber room. Kate needed a flick to be intellectually stimulating, yet entertaining enough to keep Kate awake. After rattling the standard Harry Potter, and Disney picks, Kate cocked her head as if she could tell how much I hoped that third button would pop off her blouse. Not only was Kate expecting me to recommend a flick hours before picking up her kid from prep school, I was expected to do it in a way that preserve her daughter’s geek cred. Despite my skepticism, Kate’s hypnotic violet eyes and her check for ten G’s gave me enough incentive to believe in miracles.
There was no time to watch Kate leave, I couldn’t even leave the office. I had three hours to find a movie that was as improbable as crossing 42nd street at… any time of the day. I opened the laptop and started looking for inspiration. Just then, the answer rushed inside my mind like a familiar TV theme song. What was the top kids movie from last season? The movie many had thought should’ve contended for Best Picture? The movie that made rundown, rusty trackers look good? No, not Cars. I downloaded Pixar’s best production to date, Wall-E. Afterwards, as the credits rolled, I typed the following:
Wall-E: Are you sure dinosaurs were called humans? Cockroach: Look, it’s been so long, all species look alike to me.
Wall-E: Are you sure dinosaurs were called humans? Cockroach: Look, it’s been so long, all species look alike to me. Space may be the final frontier, but at some point you’ve got to go home. If that’s the best way to sum up this film, you need to find your humanity. Only Pixar could turn a grim future into a heartwarming redemption of the human spirit. That’s the ingredient lost or considered an afterthought in most adult movies. Yet, Wall-E was as much of a kiddie movie as a wino makes his living out of a paper bag. In a film culture that barrels through movie plots faster than a bullet, it’s refreshing how Wall-E just shut up, slowed down and allowed people to absorb sights and sounds they had paid to experience.
From the start, my perception of futuristic tales shattered by the sounds of a melodic past. My gloomy tinted glasses refocused once the camera crashed into what seemed like a metal asteroid field, a farewell gift the human race had given the robots to clean up. However, that had to wait. A planet full of trash had to be picked up first. Besides, moviegoers had to see where the music was coming from… a robot. One robot. The only robot still functioning on the entire planet. It ran for so long, it made the Energizer Bunny die of embarrassment. This small, diligent machine was named Wall-E (voiced by famed Star Wars sound designer Ben Burtt). He also had time to adapt beyond its programming. How much time? About 700 years. Despite the bleak landscape, Wall-E’s curious nature grew with every interaction with each item he had collected. While roaming through the dissolute terrain, the electronic pop-up ads felt as ancient as the Egyptian Pyramids. They also compacted the plot as neatly as Wall-E compacted the garbage. The ads serenely transformed the desperate need for people to flee Earth (due to their own neglect and excesses) into a five-year, once-in-a-lifetime pleasure trip on a luxury space cruiser. As Wall-E worked alongside the worst act of human nature (destruction of a planet), he came home each night and yearned for what was best in human nature (love). For him, it was personified the classic musical Hello, Dolly.
I’ve seen this thing for hundreds of years and I still can’t figure it out.
I’ve seen this thing for hundreds of years and I still can’t figure it out.Wall-E’s lonely existence changed when a gynormous spaceship landed on right on top of him. The spaceship’s arrival was as awe inspiring as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Close Encounter of The Third Kind, and the first time the Imperial Star Destroyer made its appearance in the original Star Wars. His dream came true when he set his mechanical eyes on a beautiful robot named EVE (Elissa Knight). She was a probe sent to discover any organic life signs on Earth. Wall-E and EVE’s interaction followed the classic pattern of screwball romantic comedy. Wall-E was the unconventionally likeable, charming and persistent. EVE was aloof, attractive, rich (in this case, much more advanced) and only focused on her work. She was as unattainable to Wall-E as six-pack abs is for Santa. EVE literally blasted perceived treats faster than a person’s hope of ever getting money back from a friend. Her heavy-handed over reactions didn’t scare… okay, it scared him, but it didn’t stop him. She eventually let her guard down and let Wall-E usher her through his world. Her gentle giggles were as delightful as his hopeful wonder. Two things grabbed EVE’s attention: the screen showing people dancing and singing, and a plant kept inside a boot. After analyzing it, she reacted as if she was kissed by her favorite Soap star. She grabbed the plant and shut down, leaving Wall-E as puzzled as any guy who had witnessed his dream girl go nuts.
No matter how much he cared for her and protected her from the elements, EVE didn’t respond. It was as if Wall-E got played for a sucker. She got what she wanted now she was treating him like the stuff he was supposed to clean up. In fact, she waited for her ship to blast her back into space, intended to never see Wall-E again. But like any lovesick fool, he wouldn’t let go. He clung on to her spaceship harder than a child’s wish for snow to keep him home from school. The shuttle headed for the AXIOM, the starliner that shipped out of Earth’s orbit 700 years ago.
Once Wall-E boarded the ship, security-bots took EVE away. Wall-E shifted into hero mode to free her. Along the way, he witnessed the ultimate “before and after” testimonials in reverse. When the global President and B&L CEO Shelby Forthright (Fred Willard) hawked the five-year vacation to paradise, the people in the ad were fit, active and directly engaged one another. On the 700-year anniversary of the cruise, people were morbidly obese, zooming around in their hover chairs and talking at their screens like zombies. There was no need to walk or even look at anyone face-to-face. Why should they? The robots catered to their every need. Until Wall-E. While scrambling to find EVE, his accidental interactions with John (John Ratzenberger) and Mary (Kathy Najimy) disrupted their hypnotic state and freed them from their virtual prisons.
Meanwhile, EVE was sent to report to the captain (Jeff Garlin). She informed him of her findings that would initiate Operation Recolonize. The plan was so forgotten, the captain had to rely on Auto, the ship’s auto pilot, to show him how to read and turn the pages of the owner’s manual. However, the captain’s history lesson turned out to be as worthless as a 401k account. The plant EVE stored inside her was gone. She couldn’t understand how it disappeared. Without it, she couldn’t complete her directive. When she was taken to diagnostics to be repaired, Wall-E found the downside to being the hero. His overzealous rescue singled him and EVE out as rogue robots.
EVE: If I wanted a savior I would’ve beeped for R2-D2.
EVE: If I wanted a savior I would’ve beeped for R2-D2.Once they had escaped, they caught one security-bot throwing the plant away in an escape pod. Before EVE could stop him, Wall-E entered to get the plant, but trapped himself in a pod that was set to explode. What they, and apparently everyone else on the ship, didn’t know was that Auto and the security-bots were running on a top-secret directive. The President and B&L CEO Forthright had sent an override order A-113 to cancel Operation Recolonize. It had become too toxic for people to return to Earth. But the order was sent 700 years ago. Unlike Wall-E, these robots couldn’t operate beyond their programming and carried out the order as if Forthright was still alive.
After Wall-E saved himself and the plant, EVE’s joy wasn’t just based on her directive, she was beginning to fall for him. Despite Wall-E, EVE and the captain’s determination, Auto’s A-113 order was like giving Popeye his spinach. Auto’s mutiny against the captain wasn’t like Hal 9000’s actions in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Hal’s gain for power was as greedy as NY’s MTA imposing fare hikes. Whereas, Auto was just following orders. As the captain learned more about his ancestral home, he felt compelled to do something useful like, steering the AXIOM back to Earth. Auto had other ideas, which include electrocuting Wall-E, locking the captain in his quarters and alerting all bots to stop EVE and Wall-E, treating them as enemy combatants.
During all this, EVE’s feelings for Wall-E deepened. The image of her sleek robot arm caressing his metal head was more touching than many live action chick flicks. Like any new rebel who finally found a cause, the captain planned his attack to take back control of the ship. While this struggle went on inside the bridge, EVE flew Wall-E to the place where the plant could initiate the course back to Earth. This simple task had a tremendous cost. Wall-E’s body was crushed beyond repair.
EVE: No robot, I mean, no robot is allowed to scare Wall-E except me!
EVE: No robot, I mean, no robot is allowed to scare Wall-E except me!Once the AXIOM landed on Earth, EVE flew to where Wall-E called home and frantically rebuilt him. The second his emotionless eyes stared at her, she desperately tried to remind him of what he loved most. However, she realized his new motherboard lacked all the memories he had accumulated. All of the curiosity, the yearning, the charm and the wonder was wiped away. The feeling of shock and emptiness were as uncomfortable as suffering through a power outage on a summer night. Fearing she had lost Wall-E forever, she “kisses” him, creating the same spark it had during their carefree dance in space. Just like an amnesia patient, the spark brought his memory back, proving that love was stronger than his programming.
What was remarkable about this film was how realistic it was compared to Pixar’s other work. It paralleled with the world of Serenity. The Joss Whedon ‘verse was set more than 500 years in the future and all the resources from “The Earth that Was” had been used up. The people were forced to leave the planet. Another similar aspect between the two movies was how an entire society lived under a global corporation. Wall-E had Buy and Large – B&L; Serenity had the Blue Sun Corporation. What differed greatly between the two was the tone. Wall-E still offered a chance for human kind to redeem itself. In Serenity, Earth was a grim afterthought. Humans braved life on planets they had colonized and terraformed (creating atmospheric conditions much similar to Earth’s). Also Blue Sun was more sinister with their covert operations, including kidnapping children and programming them to become assassins for the state.
In addition, all the robots in Wall-E sound like robots, not humans. However, Wall-E turned out to be the most human out of all the characters. What puzzled me was the different responses filmgoers had for Wall-E and Jar-Jar Binks from the Star Wars Prequels. They’re both reactionary characters, both suffer the brunt of their actions. Their comedy is based on timing and luck, but people loved Wall-E and still hate Jar-Jar. Why? Jar-Jar was introduced within a long revered film franchise. His bumbling benevolence was as welcomed as an ex-con dating a cop’s daughter. With Wall-E, he and his setting were new, which gave the robot a chance to develop his character. Also, his movements weren’t as awkward and his sounds were short and expressive like another iconic robot, R2-D2. Also, Jar-Jar’s style of comedy wasn’t what Star Wars fans expected or wanted after nearly two decades. There were light moments in the original trilogy, but the tone of the characters, even the droids, remained serious. Wall-E also benefited from his character design. His short, compact body and large expressive eyes were more adorable to the audience than Jar-Jar’s tall, large body and small eyes.
Everyone’s making a fuss over Wall-E and EVE. I’m the one who saved their metal butts.
Everyone’s making a fuss over Wall-E and EVE. I’m the one who saved their metal butts.Although Wall-E is more optimistic than most dystopia films, it a cautionary message set in a depressingly distant future. Yet, it still allows enough time for moviegoers to absorb the contrast of scale. EVE’s ship vs. Wall-E. The cockroach vs. the large skyscraper sized piles of garbage. The faint echo from the electronic ads popping up for a civilization long gone. These images don’t need dialogue, or editorializing, or filters. People are invited to observe the environment on their own terms, like pressing their noses on windows, taking in everything around them.
I knew I went overboard with the report, but the film had that much depth, and I had a lot to comment about. After proofreading and spell checking, I finally emailed it within 30 minutes of the deadline.
Sunset had come and gone and while I waited for my take out order to arrive at my apartment, my cell rang. Kate’s relieved voice couldn’t wait to thank me for the comprehensive report she and her daughter read. Wall-E was the first movie they enjoyed watching together. Kate also informed me that she had already mailed the remainder of my fee. She then wished me good night. It would’ve been had my roast beef with fries arrived much earlier and much warmer.
Anywho, the case of the improbable task is done. Thanks for checking in, everybody. See you next time. This is Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.
Case #2: Detective Duncan & The Case of The Baffling Trivia Question or The D.V. Detective Dives into Airplane! and Airport 1975
The name’s Duncan. Detective Duncan. The D. V. Detective. I hope that’s enough names for you. Anyway, a lot has changed since my first case. I stopped hiding from my landlord. I stopped answering in Spanish whenever the bill collectors called. I stopped using dial-up and upgraded to Broadband. Wow, that thing is fast! One thing that hasn’t stopped though, the feeling of a gambler watching his three-of-a-kind crumble under the weight of a royal flush. Lady Luck is loyal to no one and I’m carefully waiting for the day I catch her cheating.
The blast of cold water knocked me to the realization that I’m not alone. The smooth, petite hand clutching the empty glass was responsible for the reality check. If I hadn’t have trailed my eyes up from that hand to those pouting ruby lips, I would have said things kids under the age of seventeen aren’t permitted to hear without a parent. There’s reason why water is still dripping down my face: I zoned out long before Irene Carlton had stopped talking. Well, I know this much, The Case of the Baffling Trivia Question was about just that. One little trivia question motivated her to drive her sparkling new Lexus down to this sleazy part of town. That and her competitive nature. So much so I expected her to bet me if her car hadn’t changed owners during her visit here. She had bet her boyfriend and lost based on this question: “Which movie, other than Zero Hour, gave inspiration to the spoof classic Airplane!?” Irene’s answer was Airport 1975. Her boyfriend said Airport. They kept arguing until their mutual friend ruled in her boyfriend’s favor. The prospect of her having to wash his Bentley by hand for an entire week was as dreadful as sitting in between two people with bad breath. When Irene gave exhausted detail on how the car shampoo’s harsh chemicals would ruin her perfectly hydrated skin, the “no vacancy” sign flashed inside my brain. Hence, my dripping wet suit.
Later than night, my tired body sunk onto the recliner. I wondered when the delivery boy would get into the habit of finding my address. During the wait, I reached toward the coffee table and got my laptop and got down to business. I selected the bookmark for the movie rental site and… wait. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. Not only had I gained Broadband, I had gained another landlord. This time, the rent was for my privilege to eat, sleep and watch anything in a place where no potential clients would find any reason to turn around and walk out. Which was what I had to do. Walk out and get the Airport DVD collection my landlord borrowed and I was stupid enough to lend it to her.
When I returned, a teenager almost bumped into me in the hallway. He was as confused as an out-of-towner’s first ride on the subway. I turned to yell until I caught a whiff of what he was carrying. I called the delivery boy over and pointed at my apartment number and exchanged money for food. I gave him an extra dollar and suggested for him to save up for Lasik Eye Surgery. After gulping down my dinner like a model’s overnight binge, I got my mind ready for the triple feature. Five hours later, I flipped open my laptop, cracked my knuckles and started typing the following:
Dr. Rumack: God, please tell me I’m going to live. God, please tell me I’m going to live.
Dr. Rumack: God, please tell me I’m going to live. God, please tell me I’m going to live.The greatness found in Airplane! was the way parodied its source material. It transformed mundane scenes as much as removing braces transforms social lives. Naturally, the main inspiration was sparked by Zero Hour! However, directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker offered another story line up for comedic slaughter. After watching the two movies in question, Airport and Airport 1975, the additional inspiration clearly came from Airport 1975.
The spoof handled the “B” story (the gravely ill girl needing a life saving transplant) in the same humorous style the movie handled Zero Hour. The tremendous care in setting up scenes, camera angles and most of the dialogue forced viewers to wonder if they were watching the right movie. The scene where pilot Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves) answered the white courtesy phone and the doctor notifying him of the girl’s condition was set up to resemble the way it was done in Airport 1975, only the doctor in the parody wasn’t a pompous ass. In fact, the exposition took a backseat with what was added: the woman heard on the red phone, the rows and rows of jars behind the doctor, the heart literally bouncing across the screen and tying the Mayo Clinic pun with a deli reference gave this scene new life. Similarly, when the sick girl enjoyed being sung to also had an interesting twist. In Airport 1975, the girl owned the guitar and the nun sang to her.
Between you and me, my guitar is much better than the one the stewardess played for that other sick girl.
Between you and me, my guitar is much better than the one the stewardess played for that other sick girl.In the spoof, the stewardess (sorry, these films were made decades before political correctness ruined common sense) borrowed the guitar from the nun. As the scene became more exaggerated and slapstick, the more hilarious it became. What also mirrored the choices based upon Zero Hour! and Airport 1975 was the casting. The parody chose Kareem Aboul-Jabbar to fill the co-pilot role done by a sports figure in Zero Hour! Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch. The same logic was done by selecting a famous pop singer Maureen McCovern to play a nun like Helen Reddy did in Airport 1975.
Additional similarities include: both movies began their opening credits with a plane soaring in the sky accompanied with ominous music, both movies had a pilot named Murdoch, and both movies shared the style and color of airplane logos. Another thing they shared was the feel of the 1970s. Polyester leisure suits, Disco, 70s lingo and TV personalities were as unavoidable as a man having to pick up the check on the first date. Airport 1975 had a future California Highway Patrolman, Erik Estrada (C.H.I.P.s) and a crotchety, but likable landlord, Norman Fell (Three’s Company). Airplane! showcased a handsome doctor who married a waitress, Robert Hays (Angie); a ship captain’s daughter, Jill Whelan (The Love Boat); WJN news writer’s wife, Joyce Bulifant (Mary Tyler Moore) and a cameo from Kid Dy-No-Mite himself, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker (Good Times).
Mother: Will people remember me more in this film or as Murray’s wife on Mary Tyler Moore?
In contrast, watching Airport was like cringing at a person who’s wearing an outfit much too young for him. The clothes. The movie score. The hair dos. Dean Martin? Unless he was hosting one of his celebrity roasts, the ex-Rat Packer watched the 70s through a rear view window. Also, the pacing of the film dragged. It had an old fashioned style of storytelling compared to its airplane disaster sequel five years later. The focus of the film felt as if it was split in half. The first half drew out the airport general manager’s personal life like a temp worker trying to get overtime. When the plane finally took off so did the plot. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging this movie on its quality. Airport is a much superior film than its sequel. However, the comparison to Airplane! is as offbase as a runner caught between third and home. Maybe your boyfriend was referring to parody’s sequel, Airplane II: The Sequel. This accurately shared the story line of a distraught man (Sonny Bono) carrying a bomb with Airport. Only difference was in the second spoof, it took place in a space shuttle. Unfortunately, this story line suffered due to the producers’ desperate attempts to recycle the gags and jokes Abrahams and the Zucker brothers accomplished in the original parody.
I’m dancing and sweating so hard. The least this writer could do is mention this scene in the review.
To restate, or better yet simplify, my research for your trivia question, Irene, is you were right and your boyfriend was wrong.
After proofreading and re-checking the facts and references, I emailed my report to Irene. After that, I went into the bedroom and reunited my head with my pillow.
The next day I expected a jovial Irene to glide into my office, gush how great a detective I was, and plant those moist, delectable lips on my cheek while leaving a check on my desk. But, once again, reality was more unpredictable than FOX’s primetime schedule. A sour-looking butler invited himself in and made his way to a chair as if a booby trap would spring on him at the last minute. He stated that Irene sent him to give me the rest of the fee she had owed me. I enjoyed seeing his distasteful smirk as he slid the envelope in my direction. I asked why she couldn’t thank me in person. The butler soured even more and murmured that making this errand was her part of the bet. A delicious smirk slid upon my face. The smug jackass before me was serving his week-long sentence as Irene’s errand boy. My only regret was not insisting I get in on that bet. If he could find my office, he would’ve had no problem delivering dinner to my apartment.
Oh, well. That ends the case of the baffling trivia question. Thanks for hearing me out. Catch you guys next time. This is Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.
Case #1: Detective Duncan & The Case of the Miscellaneous Gift or Devin V. Duncan Deconstructs Superman Returns
The name’s Duncan. Devin V. Duncan. I’m a private detective. I believed I could solve cases “Law and Order” and “CSI” couldn’t handle. For two agonizing years I gave out business cards, placed ads in the paper, even built my own website. Nothing. This tree remained silent in the concrete forest, until two days ago. I finally found my genre.
I pondered whether it was too late to jump into the Real Estate market when fate stepped in. Actually, it sauntered in. Her five-foot nine-inch voluptuous frame convinced me it was a good thing I had forgotten to lock the door. She had taken a seat before I could’ve offer it, which also took away my ringside view of her perfect legs. Damn.
Her name was Alicia Anders. She wasted no time using her honey-coated voice to state the reason why she had sought me out; she needed the perfect DVD. In her elite, rarified world, reputation is everything. Alicia was known for being an ideal gift giver. She wanted to make sure Superman Returns was worth preserving her reputation. In her world, buying merchandise with ninety-nine cents at the end of a price code is as worthless as… well, coming here. She needed to find a person no one in her social circle would ever share the same air, a loser desperate enough to finish a meaningless job by the following morning. In other words, she needed a down and out detective. Alicia didn’t say those exact words, but her eyes conveyed the meaning just the same.
If this were the case of the missing lunatic, I would have called the asylum because I’ve definitely found a genuine nutcase: Me. I actually considered taking the case. Alicia must have noticed my attempt to hold on to my self-respect while she reached into her purse and let a bunch of hundred dollar bills dangle between her dainty, well-manicured fingers. Enough money for me to say “yes” and start working on what I called: The Case of the Miscellaneous Gift.
The moment Alicia left I flipped open my laptop and searched for an online movie rental site. When I found Superman Returns I clicked the download button. The progression bar crawled slower than a drunk finding his way into a taxi. After several hours cursing myself for neglecting to upgrade my internet connection, the downloading finally ended. The overnight showing of Superman Returns had begun.
Throughout the night, the scenes blurred past my tired eyes like overhead highway signs whizzing past a grossly overworked trucker. The evidence mounted like a child’s Christmas list. My desire to make up three months rent choked my desire to sleep and wrote the following:
There’s no place like home… now that I’m sure that Krypton really is gone.
Superman Returns was supposedly set five years after the events which took place in Superman II. The most ethical, moral being on the planet decided those five years were better spent making sure his home planet of Krypton was actually destroyed. When Superman came back, he found he wasn’t as irreplaceable as he thought. The Earth still turned on its axis, governments still held their elections and Lois Lane still held onto her ace reporter job at the Daily Planet. Even though names of days and months stay the same it’s the years that make them different. Lois had upgraded her life by adding a Pulitzer Prize, a fiancé named Richard White (Perry White’s nephew) and their son, Jason White.
Lex: Ooooh. I can make land out of this.
She wasn’t the only one who had taken advantage of The Man of Steel’s sabbatical. The criminal master in his own mind, Lex Luthor, concocted his homemade recipe to grow land. It consisted of swiping a few Kryptonian crystals straight from his enemy’s place of residence, The Fortress of Solitude, embedding each crystal with chunks of the green substance deadly to only his said enemy, then dumping them into the Atlantic Ocean. Wa-la – instant expensive real estate. The only drawback was for the people residing on the Eastern seaboard. They wouldn’t live to see it. They would be stuck at the bottom of the ocean.
The good part of the flick rested on the young shoulders of Brandon Routh. I expected his presence would’ve been as irritating as checking a bag at the airport. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Although he still has an extremely large cape to fill, Brandon has the potential to grow out of his Christopher Reeve-like performance.
Has Lois gotten into trouble yet?
Has Lois gotten into trouble yet?The bad parts rested on plot that had more holes than a bum’s wardrobe. This film followed the failed General Zod run for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. However, which version did Superman Returns follow? The “official” Richard Lester version of Superman II made it perfectly clear that the Big Boy Scout vowed never to go AWOL again. But in the “originally intended” Richard Donner version, everything, including Zod and his comrades’ tyrannical tirades, were null and void after Superman did his second “do-over” trick and turned the Earth backwards again. This also erased any doubt of a personal issue surrounding Lois’ son. No matter how many times the coin was tossed, the outcome remained the same: There was no need for Superman to leave Earth.Without this major plot device the flick would’ve collapsed like a failed marriage proposal, which should have transpired between Lois and Richard White. Don’t get me wrong, Richie was actually a nice guy. However, James Marsden needed to find a role where his character was allowed to get the girl, not to just keep her company until the last fifteen minutes of the movie.
As for Kate Bosworth’s portrayal of the plucky reporter, it was as appealing as watching a ten-second Boxing match. I’ll go so far as to suggest if she and Parker Posey, who was miscast as Lex’s latest vixen, switched roles, the film would’ve had a fighting chance. Speaking of Lex, (and, unfortunately, Kevin Spacey’s uneven performance) his evil plan had cost him the title “the greatest criminal mind of our time” to The Joker.
Clark: I can’t believe how much Richard looks like Cyclops, and that prince guy in “Enchanted.”
The special effects did what they were made to do, eagerly showing their worth like an employee on his first day. Several of these spectacular scenes begged for the audience’s attention so much it slowed the pace of the movie. It had gotten to the point where checking my watch for the correct time was more important than watching people get tossed around.
What really stuck out the most was the missed opportunity for Superman Returns to demonstrate how Superman’s unwavering virtue never went of style. The movie gave in to cynical, contemporary attitudes and tried hard to peel off the corny label by having him do some morally questionable actions like spying on Lois, drinking and possibly being a deadbeat dad. The filmmakers should have let him wear his Boy Scout badge proudly, proving that Superman brings hope and optimism no matter how dark and uncertain times become.
My recommendation to you, Alicia: Choose another DVD. Consider purchasing the original Superman movie, which starred Christopher Reeve.
Once I finished my report, checked for spelling errors and fumbled around for the business card Alicia left on the desk, I emailed my file to her. My fingers ached, my eyes weighed fifty pounds, but I felt good. I felt even better when I fell asleep.
The next morning Alicia returned with a smile, indicating my investigation was a success. The case of the Miscellaneous Gift was closed. You might hear from me again. I’m sure there are more clueless socialites searching for the perfect DVD. Until then, this is Devin V. Duncan, the D. V. Detective, logging off.