The name’s Duncan. Devin V. Duncan. I’m a private detective. I believed I could solve cases “Law and Order” and “CSI” couldn’t handle. For two agonizing years I gave out business cards, placed ads in the paper, even built my own website. Nothing. This tree remained silent in the concrete forest, until two days ago. I finally found my genre.

I pondered whether it was too late to jump into the Real Estate market when fate stepped in. Actually, it sauntered in. Her five-foot nine-inch voluptuous frame convinced me it was a good thing I had forgotten to lock the door. She had taken a seat before I could’ve offer it, which also took away my ringside view of her perfect legs. Damn.

Her name was Alicia Anders. She wasted no time using her honey-coated voice to state the reason why she had sought me out; she needed the perfect DVD. In her elite, rarified world, reputation is everything. Alicia was known for being an ideal gift giver. She wanted to make sure Superman Returns was worth preserving her reputation. In her world, buying merchandise with ninety-nine cents at the end of a price code is as worthless as… well, coming here. She needed to find a person no one in her social circle would ever share the same air, a loser desperate enough to finish a meaningless job by the following morning. In other words, she needed a down and out detective. Alicia didn’t say those exact words, but her eyes conveyed the meaning just the same.

If this were the case of the missing lunatic, I would have called the asylum because I’ve definitely found a genuine nutcase: Me. I actually considered taking the case. Alicia must have noticed my attempt to hold on to my self-respect while she reached into her purse and let a bunch of hundred dollar bills dangle between her dainty, well-manicured fingers. Enough money for me to say “yes” and start working on what I called: The Case of the Miscellaneous Gift.

The moment Alicia left I flipped open my laptop and searched for an online movie rental site. When I found Superman Returns I clicked the download button. The progression bar crawled slower than a drunk finding his way into a taxi. After several hours cursing myself for neglecting to upgrade my internet connection, the downloading finally ended. The overnight showing of Superman Returns had begun.

Throughout the night, the scenes blurred past my tired eyes like overhead highway signs whizzing past a grossly overworked trucker. The evidence mounted like a child’s Christmas list. My desire to make up three months rent choked my desire to sleep and wrote the following:

Superman Returns was supposedly set five years after the events which took place in Superman II.  The most ethical, moral being on the planet decided those five years were better spent making sure his home planet of Krypton was actually destroyed. When Superman came back, he found he wasn’t as irreplaceable as he thought. The Earth still turned on its axis, governments still held their elections and Lois Lane still held onto her ace reporter job at the Daily Planet. Even though names of days and months stay the same it’s the years that make them different. Lois had upgraded her life by adding a Pulitzer Prize, a fiancé named Richard White (Perry White’s nephew) and their son, Jason White.

She wasn’t the only one who had taken advantage of The Man of Steel’s sabbatical. The criminal master in his own mind, Lex Luthor, concocted his homemade recipe to grow land. It consisted of swiping a few Kryptonian crystals straight from his enemy’s place of residence, The Fortress of Solitude, embedding each crystal with chunks of the green substance deadly to only his said enemy, then dumping them into the Atlantic Ocean. Wa-la – instant expensive real estate. The only drawback was for the people residing on the Eastern seaboard. They wouldn’t live to see it. They would be stuck at the bottom of the ocean.

The good part of the flick rested on the young shoulders of Brandon Routh. I expected his presence would’ve been as irritating as checking a bag at the airport. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Although he still has an extremely large cape to fill, Brandon has the potential to grow out of his Christopher Reeve-like performance.

Has Lois gotten into trouble yet?

The bad parts rested on plot that had more holes than a bum’s wardrobe. This film followed the failed General Zod run for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. However, which version did Superman Returns follow? The “official” Richard Lester version of Superman II made it perfectly clear that the Big Boy Scout vowed never to go AWOL again. But in the “originally intended” Richard Donner version, everything, including Zod and his comrades’ tyrannical tirades, were null and void after Superman did his second “do-over” trick and turned the Earth backwards again. This also erased any doubt of a personal issue surrounding Lois’ son. No matter how many times the coin was tossed, the outcome remained the same: There was no need for Superman to leave Earth.Without this major plot device the flick would’ve collapsed like a failed marriage proposal, which should have transpired between Lois and Richard White. Don’t get me wrong, Richie was actually a nice guy. However, James Marsden needed to find a role where his character was allowed to get the girl, not to just keep her company until the last fifteen minutes of the movie.

As for Kate Bosworth’s portrayal of the plucky reporter, it was as appealing as watching a ten-second Boxing match. I’ll go so far as to suggest if she and Parker Posey, who was miscast as Lex’s latest vixen, switched roles, the film would’ve had a fighting chance. Speaking of Lex, (and, unfortunately, Kevin Spacey’s uneven performance) his evil plan had cost him the title “the greatest criminal mind of our time” to The Joker.

The special effects did what they were made to do, eagerly showing their worth like an employee on his first day. Several of these spectacular scenes begged for the audience’s attention so much it slowed the pace of the movie. It had gotten to the point where checking my watch for the correct time was more important than watching people get tossed around.

What really stuck out the most was the missed opportunity for Superman Returns to demonstrate how Superman’s unwavering virtue never went of style. The movie gave in to cynical, contemporary attitudes and tried hard to peel off the corny label by having him do some morally questionable actions like spying on Lois, drinking and possibly being a deadbeat dad. The filmmakers should have let him wear his Boy Scout badge proudly, proving that Superman brings hope and optimism no matter how dark and uncertain times become.

My recommendation to you, Alicia: Choose another DVD. Consider purchasing the original Superman movie, which starred Christopher Reeve.

Once I finished my report, checked for spelling errors and fumbled around for the business card Alicia left on the desk, I emailed my file to her. My fingers ached, my eyes weighed fifty pounds, but I felt good. I felt even better when I fell asleep.

The next morning Alicia returned with a smile, indicating my investigation was a success. The case of the Miscellaneous Gift was closed. You might hear from me again. I’m sure there are more clueless socialites searching for the perfect DVD. Until then, this is Devin V. Duncan, the D. V. Detective, logging off.