The name’s Duncan. Detective Duncan. The D. V. Detective. I hope that’s enough names for you. Anyway, a lot has changed since my first case. I stopped hiding from my landlord. I stopped answering in Spanish whenever the bill collectors called. I stopped using dial-up and upgraded to Broadband. Wow, that thing is fast! One thing that hasn’t stopped though, the feeling of a gambler watching his three-of-a-kind crumble under the weight of a royal flush. Lady Luck is loyal to no one and I’m carefully waiting for the day I catch her cheating.

The blast of cold water knocked me to the realization that I’m not alone. The smooth, petite hand clutching the empty glass was responsible for the reality check. If I hadn’t have trailed my eyes up from that hand to those pouting ruby lips, I would have said things kids under the age of seventeen aren’t permitted to hear without a parent. There’s reason why water is still dripping down my face: I zoned out long before Irene Carlton had stopped talking. Well, I know this much, The Case of the Baffling Trivia Question was about just that. One little trivia question motivated her to drive her sparkling new Lexus down to this sleazy part of town. That and her competitive nature. So much so I expected her to bet me if her car hadn’t changed owners during her visit here. She had bet her boyfriend and lost based on this question: “Which movie, other than Zero Hour, gave inspiration to the spoof classic Airplane!?” Irene’s answer was Airport 1975.  Her boyfriend said Airport. They kept arguing until their mutual friend ruled in her boyfriend’s favor. The prospect of her having to wash his Bentley by hand for an entire week was as dreadful as sitting in between two people with bad breath. When Irene gave exhausted detail on how the car shampoo’s harsh chemicals would ruin her perfectly hydrated skin, the “no vacancy” sign flashed inside my brain. Hence, my dripping wet suit.

Later than night, my tired body sunk onto the recliner. I wondered when the delivery boy would get into the habit of finding my address. During the wait, I reached toward the coffee table and got my laptop and got down to business. I selected the bookmark for the movie rental site and… wait. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. Not only had I gained Broadband, I had gained another landlord. This time, the rent was for my privilege to eat, sleep and watch anything in a place where no potential clients would find any reason to turn around and walk out. Which was what I had to do. Walk out and get the Airport DVD collection my landlord borrowed and I was stupid enough to lend it to her.

When I returned, a teenager almost bumped into me in the hallway. He was as confused as an out-of-towner’s first ride on the subway. I turned to yell until I caught a whiff of what he was carrying. I called the delivery boy over and pointed at my apartment number and exchanged money for food. I gave him an extra dollar and suggested for him to save up for Lasik Eye Surgery. After gulping down my dinner like a model’s overnight binge, I got my mind ready for the triple feature. Five hours later, I flipped open my laptop, cracked my knuckles and started typing the following:

Dr. Rumack: God, please tell me I’m going to live. God, please tell me I’m going to live.

The greatness found in Airplane! was the way parodied its source material. It transformed mundane scenes as much as removing braces transforms social lives. Naturally, the main inspiration was sparked by Zero Hour! However, directors Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker offered another story line up for comedic slaughter. After watching the two movies in question, Airport and Airport 1975, the additional inspiration clearly came from Airport 1975.

The spoof handled the “B” story (the gravely ill girl needing a life saving transplant) in the same humorous style the movie handled Zero Hour. The tremendous care in setting up scenes, camera angles and most of the dialogue forced viewers to wonder if they were watching the right movie. The scene where pilot Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves) answered the white courtesy phone and the doctor notifying him of the girl’s condition was set up to resemble the way it was done in Airport 1975, only the doctor in the parody wasn’t a pompous ass. In fact, the exposition took a backseat with what was added: the woman heard on the red phone, the rows and rows of jars behind the doctor, the heart literally bouncing across the screen and tying the Mayo Clinic pun with a deli reference gave this scene new life. Similarly, when the sick girl enjoyed being sung to also had an interesting twist. In Airport 1975, the girl owned the guitar and the nun sang to her.

Between you and me, my guitar is much better than the one the stewardess played for that other sick girl.

In the spoof, the stewardess (sorry, these films were made decades before political correctness ruined common sense) borrowed the guitar from the nun. As the scene became more exaggerated and slapstick, the more hilarious it became. What also mirrored the choices based upon Zero Hour! and Airport 1975 was the casting. The parody chose Kareem Aboul-Jabbar to fill the co-pilot role done by a sports figure in Zero Hour! Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch. The same logic was done by selecting a famous pop singer Maureen McCovern to play a nun like Helen Reddy did in Airport 1975.

Additional similarities include: both movies began their opening credits with a plane soaring in the sky accompanied with ominous music, both movies had a pilot named Murdoch, and both movies shared the style and color of airplane logos. Another thing they shared was the feel of the 1970s. Polyester leisure suits, Disco, 70s lingo and TV personalities were as unavoidable as a man having to pick up the check on the first date. Airport 1975 had a future California Highway Patrolman, Erik Estrada (C.H.I.P.s) and a crotchety, but likable landlord, Norman Fell (Three’s Company). Airplane! showcased a handsome doctor who married a waitress, Robert Hays (Angie); a ship captain’s daughter, Jill Whelan (The Love Boat); WJN news writer’s wife, Joyce Bulifant (Mary Tyler Moore) and a cameo from Kid Dy-No-Mite himself, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker (Good Times).

In contrast, watching Airport was like cringing at a person who’s wearing an outfit much too young for him. The clothes. The movie score. The hair dos. Dean Martin? Unless he was hosting one of his celebrity roasts, the ex-Rat Packer watched the 70s through a rear view window. Also, the pacing of the film dragged. It had an old fashioned style of storytelling compared to its airplane disaster sequel five years later. The focus of the film felt as if it was split in half. The first half drew out the airport general manager’s personal life like a temp worker trying to get overtime. When the plane finally took off so did the plot. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging this movie on its quality. Airport is a much superior film than its sequel. However, the comparison to Airplane! is as offbase as a runner caught between third and home.  Maybe your boyfriend was referring to parody’s sequel, Airplane II: The Sequel. This accurately shared the story line of a distraught man (Sonny Bono) carrying a bomb with Airport. Only difference was in the second spoof, it took place in a space shuttle. Unfortunately, this story line suffered due to the producers’ desperate attempts to recycle the gags and jokes Abrahams and the Zucker brothers accomplished in the original parody.

To restate, or better yet simplify, my research for your trivia question, Irene, is you were right and your boyfriend was wrong.

After proofreading and re-checking the facts and references, I emailed my report to Irene. After that, I went into the bedroom and reunited my head with my pillow.

The next day I expected a jovial Irene to glide into my office, gush how great a detective I was, and plant those moist, delectable lips on my cheek while leaving a check on my desk. But, once again, reality was more unpredictable than FOX’s primetime schedule. A sour-looking butler invited himself in and made his way to a chair as if a booby trap would spring on him at the last minute. He stated that Irene sent him to give me the rest of the fee she had owed me. I enjoyed seeing his distasteful smirk as he slid the envelope in my direction. I asked why she couldn’t thank me in person. The butler soured even more and murmured that making this errand was her part of the bet. A delicious smirk slid upon my face. The smug jackass before me was serving his week-long sentence as Irene’s errand boy.  My only regret was not insisting I get in on that bet. If he could find my office, he would’ve had no problem delivering dinner to my apartment.

Oh, well. That ends the case of the baffling trivia question. Thanks for hearing me out. Catch you guys next time. This is Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.