The name’s Duncan. The D. V. Detective’s ready for… anything that will make cell ring again. Know why there’s a sucker born every minute? ‘Cause people like me buy cheap ass phones and believe they’re supposed to work. I have to go back to where I bought this piece of crap. It turns out that I lost the game of “Three Card Monte: The Cell Phone Edition” and picked up a discontinued model. The new phones are supposed to be in later today. Fortunately, my old cell died after Megan gave me the money. Sorry. I get disoriented when technology sucks worse than the junk it’s replacing. Now back to the point, the reason why I can afford to waste more money on a new, new phone came in the curveous shape of an Anime nut… or was it her brother? Whatever, here’s the job I called: The Case of the Compassionate Sibling.

I was at a nearby bodega, arguing at a cashier. The way the kid counted money made me wish he had played hooky from his job instead of school. I was about to snatch my money back when a sweet scented arm gave the dunce a crisp five dollar bill. Her smile quieted my protest to the point where my wallet could’ve been lifted without my notice, which was why I checked my pockets. I didn’t want to leave, but a potential client was due to arrive at any moment. Minutes later, I reached the corner of my block and had that funny feeling of being followed. I turned around and feeling got weirder. The suspicious stalker turned out to be the red haired beauty who rescued me from my temper. She wandered from building to building like she was about to catch her man in the act. The sleuth in me wanted to help her out. I did more than that, I helped her find who she was looking for – me.

As we walked up the stairs to my office, she explained why she needed my services. Megan Simmons and I had something in common, we’re both suckers. She was the kind of sister brothers always wish for, but never believe exists like no interest charges on credit cards. Her compassion said yes before her common sense had time to ask why. Did I mention her brother’s name was Marc? Anyway, Megan soon discovered she had stepped into something she couldn’t wipe off with a paper towel. Marc’s devotion for the 60s Anime Speed Racer drove him to set up a panel at the New York Anime Con. The subject centered on analyzing how the movie measured up to the animated classic. All was well until Marc caught the swine flu after attending a pool party he attended and his buddies days before they were supposed to do the panel. Megan actually fell for this? To be fair, his excuse got better after mentioning two investors stopped by and saw the potential in sponsoring this panel would be, not to mention justifying pouring brand new moola into Marc’s brand new Anime magazine… in a dying economy. As long as Megan was cool with not letting my economy sputter like my cell connection I was cool with her letting Marc be a dumb businessman. My role was to make Marc’s presentation make sense to Megan, so she could sound credible to ravenous Speed Racer fans.

When I went home, I started reliving my childhood and watched a few Speed Racer episodes. I let the memories swirl like the food in my stew then watched the live action version. After that I went to bed; the upstairs neighbors had their “family meeting” again. I’m still amazed my ceiling hadn’t caved in yet. My growling stomach signaled my need to wake the hell up and fix whatever passed for breakfast these days. I then went in living room, sat in my recliner and did what I was supposed to do the night before – I started typing the following:

God. How did Batman and Robin deal wih these camera angles without getting dizzy?

What do The Flintstones and Underdog have in common? They’re cartoon characters that suffered from the failure of their live action movies. Whether it’s the actors or the outlandish sets, the real world is horrible at transferring the magic locked inside the two dimensions of Saturday morning TV. So what made producer Joel Silver and writers/directors Andy and Larry Wachowski think they could lift the cartoon curse by releasing Speed Racer to the big screen? When I first saw the trailer, it was as though the filmmakers stuck the beloved Anime through the live action vortex like an arm stuck inside a Pringles container. It pissed me off. Instead of treating Tatsuo Yoshida’s property seriously, it punked out and joined Tron, Dick Tracy, and Batman and Robin in the trash bins of missed opportunities.

And then I saw the movie. Keep in mind, I expected to pile up reasons and examples to illustrate why this flick sucked. The best way to reform the haters into admirers is stating Speed Racer retained the spirit of the original 60s anime, depending if you consider Paul Hernandez’ US reboot original. The core of the show’s appeal was the excitement and lightheartedness with a hint of menacing danger, capturing kids’ imagination and their impulsive wishes to see the next episode. One of the major complaints about the film was its video game style. Yet, watching the anime, the long, wordless scenes of Speed zooming up steep mountains and veering onto rocky terrain were as normal as expecting spam email. It stimulated the feeling of being behind the drvier’s seat, years before video games were invented.

What’s worse? Being stuck on an island for 5 years or being railroaded and forcing to let my family to think I’m dead? Hmm…

The characters fit their personalities from their original source extremely well. It was as if the 80s A-Ha video “Take On Me” was applied. There wasn’t an actor that was mis… well, there was one glaring error: Sparky. Was the casting director crunched for time? Or did the production team thought avid fans wouldn’t care that a 30-ish actor was playing a teen-aged character? Again, judging from the 60s US reboot, Kick Gurry’s British accent was as misplaced as the office keys I try to find every morning. Other than that, the casting was great.  Christina Ricci’s Trixie may have been more sultry than fans remembered, it didn’t subtract her spunky, yet caring personality. There was no one who could’ve captured the physicality of an ex-wrestling champ, the passion of a race car engineer and the cautiousness of a father than John Goodman. Susan Sarandon played the selfless, understanding Mom Racer perfectly. Matthew Fox filled Rex and Racer X’s shoes persuasively and Emile Hirsh balanced Speed’s exhilaration of driving and the angst of saving the profession the way Anime fans would’ve expected. The added touches were the troublemaking duo Spritle (Paulie Litt) and Chim Chim (Willie, the monkey) and the authoritative, yet fair-minded Inspector Detector (Benno Furmann); they rounded off the cast nicely.

What I admired most about the flick was it resisted “the darker the tone, the better the film” expectation currently seeping into the culture like crude oil seeping in the ocean. What worked for The Dark Knight won’t work for Speed Racer. While the anime included the ugly side of racing, it never effected Speed’s optimism and determination to help others. The main characters, even Pops tendency to show his bluster, weren’t wasted by dwelling on their angst or stewing in their dark anger. So why should the movie detour down that path and abandon its natural tone like an insecure teenager? Can you imagine Speed saying “everybody’s doing it” in reaction to using dirty tactics to win a race? Or how ‘bout Speed taking out the people who want to take him out? Times and circumstances change those who are uncertain, which is not Speed’s character.

Oooh! Let’s get that driver who said I look like Spanky from The Little Rascals!

If this movie were in a race, it would trail behind The Fast and The Furious and surge ahead of Cars. Speed Racer adopted Fast and The Furious in its trendy style, acrobatics and quick cutting. Saying the special effects went a bit overboard is like wearing a three-piece suit in one hundred degree heat. The Willy Wonka set design flashed more colors than a disco ball. I expected to hear “Stayin’ Alive” during the psychedelic tunnel inside the mountains. I understand why it was done. The fantastical, hyper universe was the best way for pre-teens to experience getting high without damaging their motor skills. It was also the best way to keep the more cartoonish elements from appearing out of place in a live action world. It’s a concept much too complex for Cars. The Pixar animation hung out on the slow lane in regards to effects and subject matter. It tipped its feet, or its front tire, into the dirty water and addressed how far an opponent would go to win the Piston Cup. Speed Racer went deeper into the matter, to the point where the eldest brother, Rex, abandoned his home and his family to take down a racing cartel that wanted him dead. Also, Cars main purpose in stranding Lightning McQueen in the forgotten town of Radiator Springs was to change him from a selfish car into a selfless one. His surroundings changed his character. Speed Racer focused on Speed being the catalyst to change a crooked industry into a fairer one. His character changed his surroundings.

Although the film’s plot twisted as tightly as a hair-pin turn around a treacherous cliff, those twists were too dense. It tried too hard to prove this adaptation was worthy enough to be a movie. Other than that, the plot didn’t betray the nature of the anime, most of the time. It all boiled down to Racer X and Inspector Detector recruiting Speed to help a fellow racer, Taejo Togolchan (Rain), escape evil threats set-up by E. P. Arnold Royalton (Roger Allan), owner of the Royalton Industries. Speed’s help came after Royalton enticed Speed to join his growing roster of race car drivers. In short, Royalton was the Don Corleone of the racing world. No race was decided, no car was created without his approval. Remembering what racing truly meant for Speed and his father, Speed rejected Royalton’s offer. Form that moment on, Royalton vowed to ruin his life like a student with a low SAT score. These two plots were enough to fill two hours of high octane adventure. But like strong scented air fresher the plot overcompensated; it left me confused in some places where it should’ve been.

Royalton: Great. I’m stuck wondering whether I’m surrounded by Mario Bros.’ family or Ozzie & Harriet in technicolor.

The brotherly relationship between Speed and Rex was the best part of the film. Seeing them interact before and after Rex left the family reinforced the length Rex was willing to go through to protect his family. What I didn’t like was how the film handled the reason why Rex left. Assuming the US reboot was similar to the Japanese original story line, Rex ran away after Pops forbade him to continue racing when he crashed. He wanted to prove to Pops that he would become an undisputed champion. In the film, Rex walking out the door as Pops threatened him to never come back. This was an attempt to create extra drama between the fractured relationship between father and son and heightened the emotional loss between the two brothers. That’s bullshit. Rex running away and Speed losing touch with a beloved brother had enough drama to play out on its own. Another bullshit detail the movie added was Rex “dying” in an accident during the perilous, cross-country Casa Cristo race. The trifecta of bullshit capped off with Rex, not Racer X, tagged with a scarlet “C” on the side of his car for being a dirty cheater. It was done to squeeze out more emotional turmoil for Speed, showing he had picked fights with classmates who had taunted him about his brother. Those artificial adjustments added nothing to the plot or heightened any emotional stakes between the main characters.

Other elements I wasn’t too happy with started during the flashback scene when Mom Racer stated her husband made cars instead of the film showing Pops making last minute touches to the Mach 5. This permeated further when the engineering team working with Inspector Detector adjusted the bad-assed components the Mach 5 was renowned for, not Pops. How can Pops be seen as an innovative car maker if the movie doesn’t show it? However, I did love the action scene where Racer X, Speed and Pops fought off the mysterious ninjas and each time I heard the familiar sound effect of the Mach 5 springing in the air, the child in me rejoiced. That was a nice touch. And yeah, Trixie’s helicopter looked cool, too.

Trixie: See. Girls can handle cool rides, too.

So, Megan, if seeing colors flying across the screen doesn’t annoy you or the nagging urge to smile, laugh or (gasp) feel happy doesn’t irritate you then buy this film… and the 60s anime series. Don’t worry, there’s ample amount of movies that are serious enough to make you feel depressed.

The tiresome act of proofreading and spell checking almost put me back to sleep, almost. It was only after I sent the email that I went back counting sheep.

The next day, I mean, later that day, was in the middle of locking my office door to get some midday grub when my old cell phone rang. I could barely hear Megan. Her pleasant tone was almost drowned by people who had mistaken the New York Anime Con with a Hannah Montana concert in Madison Square Garden. As she thanked me for not making her sound foolish something came over me. I anticipated my turn to speak, not to remind her to send the rest of my fee, which she did, I wanted, needed to bring up the courage to ask her… and that’s when the phone died.

Before I return to the store, I need to thank you all for coming back. The Case of the Compassionate Sibling is closed. Hope you’ll return next time. Hope I don’t commit aggravated assault. Salespeople can’t help being stupid. I’m Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.