The name’s Duncan. You know, the D. V. Detective.  I just bought something I accused others of having just so they could look important, which helps elevates one’s status, which helps elevates one’s chances of getting dates. So far, the only thing this cell phone has gotten me is annoyed. What the hell am I supposed to do with rollover minutes? And I have to spend extra hours to practice texting so that my thumbs can reach the hard to reach buttons, and what’s up with that lingo? It has gotten to the point where I’m sporting the same confusion most of my clients suffers each time I open my mouth. One client immediately comes to mind. I called this: The Case of the Improbable Task.

I could tell the way Kate McConnell’s eyes grabbed on to mine that I was her last hope. As a small hint of her exotic smelling perfume wandered into  my nostrils, she made her case. She needed a movie to get her kid. Not just any kid, her daughter was the kind of ten-year-old prodigy who’s either on her way to revolutionize an industry sector or waste away in a rubber room. Kate needed a flick to be intellectually stimulating, yet entertaining enough to keep Kate awake. After rattling the standard Harry Potter, and Disney picks, Kate cocked her head as if she could tell how much I hoped that third button would pop off her blouse. Not only was Kate expecting me to recommend a flick hours before picking up her kid from prep school, I was expected to do it in a way that preserve her daughter’s geek cred. Despite my skepticism, Kate’s hypnotic violet eyes and her check for ten G’s gave me enough incentive to believe in miracles.

There was no time to watch Kate leave, I couldn’t even leave the office. I had three hours to find a movie that was as improbable as crossing 42nd street at… any time of the day. I opened the laptop and started looking for inspiration. Just then, the answer rushed inside my mind like a familiar TV theme song. What was the top kids movie from last season? The movie many had thought should’ve contended for Best Picture? The movie that made rundown, rusty trackers look good? No, not Cars. I downloaded Pixar’s best production to date, Wall-E. Afterwards, as the credits rolled, I typed the following:

Wall-E: Are you sure dinosaurs were called humans? Cockroach: Look, it’s been so long, all species look alike to me.

Space may be the final frontier, but at some point you’ve got to go home. If that’s the best way to sum up this film, you need to find your humanity. Only Pixar could turn a grim future into a heartwarming redemption of the human spirit. That’s the ingredient lost or considered an afterthought in most adult movies. Yet, Wall-E was as much of a kiddie movie as a wino makes his living out of a paper bag. In a film culture that barrels through movie plots faster than a bullet, it’s refreshing how Wall-E just shut up, slowed down and allowed people to absorb sights and sounds they had paid to experience.

From the start, my perception of futuristic tales shattered by the sounds of a melodic past. My gloomy tinted glasses refocused once the camera crashed into what seemed like a metal asteroid field, a farewell gift the human race had given the robots to clean up. However, that had to wait. A planet full of trash had to be picked up first. Besides, moviegoers had to see where the music was coming from… a robot. One robot. The only robot still functioning on the entire planet. It ran for so long, it made the Energizer Bunny die of embarrassment. This small, diligent machine was named Wall-E (voiced by famed Star Wars sound designer Ben Burtt). He also had time to adapt beyond its programming. How much time? About 700 years. Despite the bleak landscape, Wall-E’s curious nature grew with every interaction with each item he had collected. While roaming through the dissolute terrain, the electronic pop-up ads felt as ancient as the Egyptian Pyramids. They also compacted the plot as neatly as Wall-E compacted the garbage. The ads serenely transformed the desperate need for people to flee Earth (due to their own neglect and excesses) into a five-year, once-in-a-lifetime pleasure trip on a luxury space cruiser. As Wall-E worked alongside the worst act of human nature (destruction of a planet), he came home each night and yearned for what was best in human nature (love). For him, it was personified the classic musical Hello, Dolly.

I’ve seen this thing for hundreds of years and I still can’t figure it out.

Wall-E’s lonely existence changed when a gynormous spaceship landed on right on top of him. The spaceship’s arrival was as awe inspiring as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Close Encounter of The Third Kind, and the first time the Imperial Star Destroyer made its appearance in the original Star Wars. His dream came true when he set his mechanical eyes on a beautiful robot named EVE (Elissa Knight). She was a probe sent to discover any organic life signs on Earth. Wall-E and EVE’s interaction followed the classic pattern of screwball romantic comedy. Wall-E was the unconventionally likeable, charming and persistent. EVE was aloof, attractive, rich (in this case, much more advanced) and only focused on her work. She was as unattainable to Wall-E as six-pack abs is for Santa. EVE literally blasted perceived treats faster than a person’s hope of ever getting money back from a friend. Her heavy-handed over reactions didn’t scare… okay, it scared him, but it didn’t stop him. She eventually let her guard down and let Wall-E usher her through his world. Her gentle giggles were as delightful as his hopeful wonder. Two things grabbed EVE’s attention: the screen showing people dancing and singing, and a plant kept inside a boot. After analyzing it, she reacted as if she was kissed by her favorite Soap star. She grabbed the plant and shut down, leaving Wall-E as puzzled as any guy who had witnessed his dream girl go nuts.

No matter how much he cared for her and protected her from the elements, EVE didn’t respond. It was as if Wall-E got played for a sucker. She got what she wanted now she was treating him like the stuff he was supposed to clean up. In fact, she waited for her ship to blast her back into space, intended to never see Wall-E again. But like any lovesick fool, he wouldn’t let go. He clung on to her spaceship harder than a child’s wish for snow to keep him home from school. The shuttle headed for the AXIOM, the starliner that shipped out of Earth’s orbit 700 years ago.

Once Wall-E boarded the ship, security-bots took EVE away. Wall-E shifted into hero mode to free her. Along the way, he witnessed the ultimate “before and after” testimonials in reverse. When the global President and B&L CEO Shelby Forthright (Fred Willard) hawked the five-year vacation to paradise, the people in the ad were fit, active and directly engaged one another. On the 700-year anniversary of the cruise, people were morbidly obese, zooming around in their hover chairs and talking at their screens like zombies. There was no need to walk or even look at anyone face-to-face. Why should they? The robots catered to their every need. Until Wall-E.  While scrambling to find EVE, his accidental interactions with John (John Ratzenberger) and Mary (Kathy Najimy) disrupted their hypnotic state and freed them from their virtual prisons.

Meanwhile, EVE was sent to report to the captain (Jeff Garlin). She informed him of her findings that would initiate Operation Recolonize. The plan was so forgotten, the captain had to rely on Auto, the ship’s auto pilot, to show him how to read and turn the pages of the owner’s manual. However, the captain’s history lesson turned out to be as worthless as a 401k account. The plant EVE stored inside her was gone. She couldn’t understand how it disappeared. Without it, she couldn’t complete her directive. When she was taken to diagnostics to be repaired, Wall-E found the downside to being the hero. His overzealous rescue singled him and EVE out as rogue robots.

EVE: If I wanted a savior I would’ve beeped for R2-D2.

Once they had escaped, they caught one security-bot throwing the plant away in an escape pod. Before EVE could stop him, Wall-E entered to get the plant, but trapped himself in a pod that was set to explode. What they, and apparently everyone else on the ship, didn’t know was that Auto and the security-bots were running on a top-secret directive. The President and B&L CEO Forthright had sent an override order A-113 to cancel Operation Recolonize. It had become too toxic for people to return to Earth. But the order was sent 700 years ago. Unlike Wall-E, these robots couldn’t operate beyond their programming and carried out the order as if Forthright was still alive.

After Wall-E saved himself and the plant, EVE’s joy wasn’t just based on her directive, she was beginning to fall for him.  Despite Wall-E, EVE and the captain’s determination, Auto’s A-113 order was like giving Popeye his spinach. Auto’s mutiny against the captain wasn’t like Hal 9000’s actions in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Hal’s gain for power was as greedy as NY’s MTA imposing fare hikes. Whereas, Auto was just following orders. As the captain learned more about his ancestral home,  he felt compelled to do something useful like, steering the AXIOM back to Earth. Auto had other ideas, which include electrocuting Wall-E, locking the captain in his quarters and alerting all bots to stop EVE and Wall-E, treating them as enemy combatants.

During all this, EVE’s feelings for Wall-E deepened. The image of her sleek robot arm caressing his metal head was more touching than many live action chick flicks. Like any new rebel who finally found a cause, the captain planned his attack to take back control of the ship. While this struggle went on inside the bridge, EVE flew Wall-E to the place where the plant could initiate the course back to Earth. This simple task had a tremendous cost. Wall-E’s body was crushed beyond repair.

EVE: No robot, I mean, no robot is allowed to scare Wall-E except me!

Once the AXIOM landed on Earth, EVE flew to where Wall-E called home and frantically rebuilt him. The second his emotionless eyes stared at her, she desperately tried to remind him of what he loved most. However, she realized his new motherboard lacked all the memories he had accumulated. All of the curiosity, the yearning, the charm and the wonder was wiped away.  The feeling of shock and emptiness were as uncomfortable as suffering through a power outage on a summer night. Fearing she had lost Wall-E forever, she “kisses” him, creating the same spark it had during their carefree dance in space. Just like an amnesia patient, the spark brought his memory back, proving that love was stronger than his programming.

What was remarkable about this film was how realistic it was compared to Pixar’s other work. It paralleled with the world of Serenity. The Joss Whedon ‘verse was set more than 500 years in the future and all the resources from “The Earth that Was” had been used up. The people were forced to leave the planet. Another similar aspect between the two movies was how an entire society lived under a global corporation. Wall-E had Buy and Large – B&L; Serenity had the Blue Sun Corporation. What differed greatly between the two was the tone. Wall-E still offered a chance for human kind to redeem itself. In Serenity, Earth was a grim afterthought. Humans braved life on planets they had colonized and terraformed (creating atmospheric conditions much similar to Earth’s). Also Blue Sun was more sinister with their covert operations, including kidnapping children and programming them to become assassins for the state.

In addition, all the robots in Wall-E sound like robots, not humans. However, Wall-E turned out to be the most human out of all the characters. What puzzled me was the different responses filmgoers had for Wall-E and Jar-Jar Binks from the Star Wars Prequels. They’re both reactionary characters, both suffer the brunt of their actions. Their comedy is based on timing and luck, but people loved Wall-E and still hate Jar-Jar. Why? Jar-Jar was introduced within a long revered film franchise. His bumbling benevolence was as welcomed as an ex-con dating a cop’s daughter. With Wall-E, he and his setting were new, which gave the robot a chance to develop his character. Also, his movements weren’t as awkward and his sounds were short and expressive like another iconic robot, R2-D2. Also, Jar-Jar’s style of comedy wasn’t what Star Wars fans expected or wanted after nearly two decades. There were light moments in the original trilogy, but the tone of the characters, even the droids, remained serious. Wall-E also benefited from his character design. His short, compact body and large expressive eyes were more adorable to the audience than Jar-Jar’s tall, large body and small eyes.

Everyone’s making a fuss over Wall-E and EVE. I’m the one who saved their metal butts.

Although Wall-E is more optimistic than most dystopia films, it a cautionary message set in a depressingly distant future. Yet, it still allows enough time for moviegoers to absorb the contrast of scale. EVE’s ship vs. Wall-E. The cockroach vs. the large skyscraper sized piles of garbage. The faint echo from the electronic ads popping up for a civilization long gone. These images don’t need dialogue, or editorializing, or filters. People are invited to observe the environment on their own terms, like pressing their noses on windows, taking in everything around them.

I knew I went overboard with the report, but the film had that much depth, and I had a lot to comment about. After proofreading and spell checking, I finally emailed it within 30 minutes of the deadline.

Sunset had come and gone and while I waited for my take out order to arrive at my apartment, my cell rang. Kate’s relieved voice couldn’t wait to thank me for the comprehensive report she and her daughter read. Wall-E was the first movie they enjoyed watching together. Kate also informed me that she had already mailed the remainder of my fee. She then wished me good night. It would’ve been had my roast beef with fries arrived much earlier and much warmer.

Anywho, the case of the improbable task is done. Thanks for checking in, everybody. See you next time. This is Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.