*WARNING: Right-wingers, this is a Pro-Obama post. If you don’t want to relive the “nightmare” that was the 2008 Election, please do not read this episode. Remember, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.*

The name’s Duncan. The D. V. Detective.  Business had been… Hold on, I’ve got to answer my cell.…

“Detective Duncan. Need someone to chase down the right plot/ Or find the right movie to go to or not/ Before you spend dough on a flick you’d regret/ Spend it on me. I take cash, card or check…/ Hello…?”

Great. Another dial tone. Let me start again. Business has been steady. I recently opened the first savings account of my adult life. I… uhhhh… hold on.

“Detective Duncan. Need someone to… What…?  Look, man. For the last time, I’m a Detective, not a Dominatrix.”

Jeez. Okay, business is not that great. Although the cases I do get are enough not to work a second job. This particular one was peculiar to say the least. I called this one: The Case of the Historic Anaolgy.

A few abrupt knocks at the door had sent my imagination into overdrive. “Who will she be this time?” “Will she have a nice rack or a nice romp or both?” Now, that would’ve been nice, indeed. After I told the person to come in, my jaw dropped. She was… under-age, around sixteen years old. So, not only I couldn’t ogle, I couldn’t fantasize either. What good was working for a client if I couldn’t think about her …. Dammit! I couldn’t think about that either. I was about to kick the jail bait to the curb, until she waved the kind of paper that kept me stay off the unemployment line. Her name was Paulina Stanton. She just happened to be one of those models, a teenaged, under-aged model. By law, she had to be tutored or she couldn’t earn the salary many couldn’t pull at twice her age. To keep strutting half-naked down fashion runaways, she needed to complete an essay her tutor instructed her to write. It was due in 48 hours and she was as clueless as a news anchor without a teleprompter. Paulina had to write about an analogy between a movie and the 2008 presidential election. In other words, she wanted me to write it for her. I know I should’ve been wrestling with the moral dilemma of depriving her of the responsibility for her own education rather than wondering whether it was safe to look into her not-so innocent eyes. The desire of not appearing on a mug shot won out and I managed to make a compromise with her. I’d write my report, but she had to change some of the words around. I highly doubted her tutor would think my use of metaphors had suddenly crept into Paulina’s vast array of talents.

When I got home, I rummaged through my entire movie collection. Nothing. I went online and scrolled through hundreds of pictures of DVD movie covers. There wasn’t a thing that remotely mimicked the strangeness of last year’s election. Mr. Smith Goes To Washington was the “Ozzie and Harriet” of political movies. Bullworth was close, but still off. Chris Rock’s Head of State, Reese Witherspoon’s Election, and Kevin Costner’s Swing Vote should have been the most natural picks, but I needed one movie that combined all of those issues. Even Eddie Murphy’s The Distinguished Gentleman couldn’t capture the right tone. The more political titles appeared, the more their relevance vanished like a person’s chances of getting promoted.

It was almost daybreak and I still couldn’t find a credible movie that could fit the proper analogy. I kept thinking, “How can any film compare to electing the first African American President?” I was too wild, too crazy, too politically incorrect. It would be like comparing a tired old Western to… Blazing Saddles. My eyes lit up as if I grabbed the last PS3 in the entire city. The flick contained the unpredictability, the volatility, the tone and the balls to match the honesty of how people’s expectations of what a person’s race determined their place in life. As the sunlight peeked through the window blinds, skipping my trip to the office was as obvious as yellow snow. I dedicated the entire day to unravel my historic analogy of the 2008 election and Blazing Saddles, after I got some shut eye. Five hours later, I watched the DVD then opened up my laptop and wrote the following:

Black President? I’m barely makin’ it as a Black Sheriff.

In 1974, Mel Brooks never thought his satirical masterpiece would parallel real life 36 years later in the form of a presidential election. The opening scene displayed life as it was in the pioneering Wild West. The grossly underpaid and mistreated black and chinese workers did the grunt work, while the whites oversaw things. This was the order of life, much like how the 2008 presidential election despite the sprinkle of diversity among the Democratic candidates. One thing to keep in mind about predictability, it never predicts when it’ll be knocked on its ass. The overseers acted as if they were thrown off their horses when the black laborers crooned the Cole Porter standard “I Get A Kick Out Of You.” Their shock was reminiscent of the nation’s reaction the night Barack Obama won the Iowa caucus. This hilarious scene also reflected the confusion and accusations of Obama not acting “black enough.” The overseers couldn’t fathom the chance of hearing the smooth, melodic Pop standard coming out of black voices. The song was chosen by fellow railroad worker named Bart (Cleavon Little), a guy who had the talent to challenge the status quo in a way few people could understand.

The railroad system was the government’s ticket for expansion, power and wealth. That plan was threatened when Attorney General Hadley, I mean, Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman) learned that the quaint, peaceful town of Rock Ridge stood in the path of progress. What’s the solution? Scare the citizens out of their homes as much as Republicans scare people from voting in their best interests. Lamarr and his trusted hired goon, Taggart (Slim Pickens. I swear, that’s actually was his name), represent the two main factions of the current Republican Party. Lamarr is the “Georgetown Cocktail Party” intellectual, whereas Taggart is the “Shoot ‘em first, ask questions later,” good ol’ cowboy neo-conservative. Together, these characters embody the McCain campaign like short bosses embody their Napoleon complex.

After Taggart and his murderous marauder did their 19th Century version of a 527 attack ad, the Rock Ridge residents pleaded with the Governor William Le Petomane (Mel Brooks) to send a new sheriff. Lamarr found his inner- Cheney and convinced the Governor’s inner-Bush to send Bart, knowing that sending a black sheriff would scare white settlers as easy as using fake ID’s in a liquor store. The same can be said of the McCain campaign, who found its inner-Rove to scare people out of thinking that a black man could ever lead America.

Hedley: Could you please stop clinging to your gun?

The second Bart rode into town, the hostility, the cynicism and the racial epithets were rolled out people’s tongues faster than an SUV runs out of gas. It’s hard to distinguished which reaction was worse, the nasty treatment against Bart from Rock Ridge residents or the embittered, sardonic speeches and chants against Obama from the Republican National Convention.

One thing was clear, Bart needed a partner – fast. A deputy who not only knew the town, but also had the experience to assist him in handling whatever trouble that could roll into town. But let’s face it, he needed someone who could vouch for the concept of having Bart as the town’s sheriff. That deputy turned out to be a down and out gunslinger named Jim, aka The Waco Kid (Gene Wilder). Only problem was Jim drank as much as Joe Biden made gaffes. However, Obama considered that a small price to reassure Independents, moderate Republicans and disgruntled Clinton supporters due to their perception of Obama’s “inexperience.”

Soon after, Karl Rove, I mean, Taggart increased his terrorizing tactics, which include siccing his indestructible thug, Mongo, to go after Bart. When that failed, he and Lamarr hurled the next bomb in the shape of the German bombshell performer, Lili Von Shtupp (Madeline Kahn). That plan backfired as badly as Joe Lieberman betraying the Democrats. This strategy also mirrored John McCain’s bone headed decision of choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate. Both she and Lili were merely the eye candy who easily excited their faithful despite their questionable grasp of the English language.

Bart: Are you sure this isn’t the Republican National Convention?

As Lamarr and Taggart saw their reliable attacks fail like John McCain’s cheap stunt, I mean, campaign suspension after the Wall Street meltdown, their only solution was to wage total destruction of Rock Ridge. Facing the worst challenge of their lives, the townspeople finally put their trust in their new sheriff. Their fears began to dissipate under the cool, steady and competent nature Bart showed them under extreme pressure. Does that resemble anyone in real life? A recent presidential candidate, perhaps? A candidate that calmed the fears of voters who were freaked out after the stock market collapsed? A candidate that watched his opponent flip around like Daffy Duck? Bart’s solution brought the Rock Ridge people and the Black and Chinese railroad workers together and built a decoy of the town to trick Taggart and his posse of criminals before sunrise. Bringing different cultures, races, and philosophies together to solve insurmountable problems were the cornerstone ideals of Barack Obama’s two-year campaign.

In the final act, Sheriff Bart led the townspeople to fight for their way of life and encouraged the railroad workers to fight for a new station in life, much like Obama led a massive amount of volunteers and internet donors to fight for their participation to bring back the American dream. The brazen act to save Rock Ridge escalated into a melee so uncontrollable it seeped into other Hollywood sets, the studio commissary, even through a movie theatre. No one could escape that free-for-all just as last year’s election spread throughout the nation’s collective consciousness. From watching the hotly contested primaries, presidential debates, cable news, reading right and left wing blogs and websites, and creating home made political music videos and parodies on YouTube. The American electorate shed its apathy and became engaged in politics.  The movie ended with Bart and the Waco Kid leaving Rock Ridge after Bart killed Lamarr as swiftly as Obama killed McCain’s chances of ever becoming President.

Blog Author: No other words needed.

The most indelible element that connects Blazing Saddles and the 2008 Election is the main catalysts: Sheriff Bart and Barack Obama. Their actions and decisions propelled the way situations transpired around them. Bart may as well have been Obama’s brother from another mother. The way they handled obstacles and relied on their cunning wit, intelligence and their pleasant, affable personalities.

I finished the report with the usual proofreading and added a special note in the email reminding Paulina of changing a few words here and there to turn my report into her essay. I just hope for Paulina’s sake, her tutor wasn’t a McCain supporter.

The next day turned into evening with no sign of Paulina. No messages. No emails. No voicemails. I was as nervous as a robber holding a gun without bullets. As I picked up the phone to try calling her again, she finally walked in. She apologized for not meeting me earlier. She couldn’t get way from an all-day shoot for one of those lipstick commercials on the other side of town. Paulina approached my desk and… Wait a sec….

“Detective Duncan. Need someone to go and… Why would I need a detective when I already told you I am one?”

From now on: Voicemail. Anyway, Paulina approached my desk and handed me the rest of the fee. She told me she had enjoyed reading my report and paraphrased as she promised. Then she thanked me and left. Well, how ‘bout that? A client actually read and enjoyed what she paid for. Now, if this behavior could spread to the clients that are over the age of consent…

The case of the Historic Analogy is done. Thanks for bearing with me. Catch y’all next time. This is Devin V. Duncan, the D.V. Detective, logging off.